Though many students would be shocked to know, the FIU Police force is claiming that they too have feelings. “We’re here, we feel, get used to it!” screams banners that can now be seen around campus. The slogan is a rallying cry for FIU Police Officers everywhere who feel looked down upon by a callous, uncaring student body.
“I feel like I’ve been hiding in plain sight my entire professional career. I always have this tough guy bravado about me, but inside, deep inside, I’m really just a scared little puppy,” sobbed local FIU police officer Elias Gonzalez. “I ride around in my cruiser pulling people over for no reason, and for what, I still go home every night and cry into my Ryan Seacrest life size pillow.”
Officer Aaron Cummings strikes a pose by his freshly painted cruiser
His feelings seem to sum up what can only be described as an uprising of FIU Police Officers, finally being honest with themselves, and the students they swore to protect and serve. “We’re basically little boys in a big boy body,” spoke Richard Collinger, a ten year veteran of the force.
“Sometimes I wish could just start dancing, or help decorate the campus, or something fun like that,” said Ricard, “I get so tired of pretending to be Mr. Macho man and I just wanna be me. A grown, little boy. Now were’s my sailor hat?”
Protests and demonstrations are underway across campus and students and faculty alike are utterly mystified at this sudden outburst of emotion. “I once got stopped because the officer said he liked my taillights. I was walking to my car at the time. It all makes sense now,” said a student who wishes to remain nameless.
Faculty has mixed opinions about this sudden change, “Not that there’s anything wrong with it,” said Peter Hollgram, long time faculty member, “I just wish they’d stop looking at me like that. They keep on asking if I want a police escort to go to the bathroom, every time I walk past the pool there’s at least two of them splashing each other and laughing for no reason, it’s unprofessional.”
We caught up to Aaron Cummings, the first officer to come out with these feelings, at the Chili’s on campus. “When I first got here, I knew these guys were different,” spoke Aaron between dainty sips of an Appletini, “I knew it was just a matter of time, I honestly thought this was gonna happen a while ago, I’m surprised they kept it in so long.”
Some particularly zealous officers have been seen painting their cruisers various shades of pink and blasting show tunes out of their cruisers. We tried to get a quote out of one of the men we caught in the act but he would not stop giggling, so we left him alone.
In a related note, on-campus crime has noticeably skyrocketed. Our reporters were able to get a quote from one student seen peeing into the broken window of a car he had just finished stealing the radio from, “You think those cops scare me? This weekend I think I’m gonna just straight up set buildings on fire, nobody’s gonna stop me.”
