In a shocking announcement from the head of the FIU financials department, the university will no longer charge any tuition. Instead, FIU will fund its entire operational budget via the website Kickstarter.
Some early critiques have assessed the plan as genius and forward-thinking, such as the stellar overview by Sun Sentinel, which deemed the plan as “…An inspiring idea in this digital age.” However, other prominent sources beg to differ. The Miami Herald has compared the plan to Arizona State’s disastrous Dude Can You Spare Some Tuition plan, in which ASU students were actively encouraged to beg for money in the streets in lieu of state funding.
In an interview with Bacon reporters, FIU’s head financial officer Jean Holloway had this to say, “To be honest, when someone told me about Kickstarter, I thought it was some kind of joke. It took a lot of convincing before I could believe that people would just throw their money at whatever useless crap someone posted.” He continued, “I literally saw some kid in Alaska raise 30 grand to start his rap career, and we all know that money just went towards meth.”
Mr. Holloway explained to us his process for getting FIU the financial kick-start they needed, “I thought, higher education can use some extra bucks. And why not go all the way? Let’s fund the entire university this way. So after one decisive meeting with the BOT, Provost, and President, I created the official FIU Kickstarter page.”
The Kickstarter endeavor has been an amazing success, according to Mr. Holloway.
“I was blown away by the response.” He told us, “I thought we’d be lucky enough to get a couple grand out of this. But instead, we raised the equivalent to last year’s entire operational budget in about three months! Now some Sheik from Saudi Arabia has us covered for the next ten years, and all he wants is a vial of sweat from our most attractive students. He says it keeps him young or something.” Mr. Holloway ended his comments by saying, “You want a personal assistant? Everyone gets an assistant now at FIU. We have the money. So you say the word, you can even get three assistants!”
Bacon reporters were also able to speak with President Rosenberg about this new method of funding. When asked about the new elevated financial status of FIU, Rosenberg simply lit a Cuban cigar, propped his feet up on his desk, and said, “Life is good.”
