Yesterday, according to witnesses, at 1:15 PM, in front of PG5, an “actual miracle” happened. Everyone loves superhero films, but at FIU an actual hero appeared out of thin air and disappeared just as quickly. The parking ambassador vehicle, the scourge of every single student’s life, was sitting at a red light no doubt on its way to fleece more money from decent, hard working people. Onlookers report it was simply sitting there, its sinister white facade gleaming in the sunlight. The light turned green, and the parking ambassador vehicle sat idle, probably trying to infuriate the cars behind it. Well for someone, some daring, valiant Adonis like figure, this was too much. They leaped into the street, and boldly, decisively, slashed the car’s tires.
Some may call this criminal mischief, but for every person who walked out of work only to find a boot on their car, this was nothing less than divine intervention. One of the demons who drives these portable misery machines was obviously furious, and demanded to know who had halted their reign of terror. But the crowd of students were silent that day, and whoever committed the deed was long gone. One student who witnessed the event told our reporters, “Maybe it wasn’t even a student, or even a human. Maybe it was angel who descended from heaven to put just a little more happiness into the world.” So, when all of our readers are inevitably praying for help on their finals, why not take a moment to thank God for slashing that car’s tires?
