It’s been a longstanding tradition that the blue wooden bridge over the lake between The Green Library and The Ryder Business building has been called The Kissing Bridge. Legend held that any couple who kissed while standing atop it would be together forever. It seems two students decided that simply kissing was not enough to seal their commitment to each other. This past Friday, security guard Nathan Williams discovered in the early morning sophomores Earl Ampersand and Eleanor Sanchez lying in post coital bliss on the bridge.
After a rather awkward call to custodial services, the two students were reprimanded and suspended for the remainder of the semester. PantherMEOW talked with an anonymous administration official on why the two weren’t expelled. “It’s more about the current climate than anything else. We don’t want it to seem like the university isn’t sex positive. If anything we want to make it clear we are punishing them for trespassing on school ground after hours. We aren’t thrilled about the whole sex in public aspect, but we understand that’s how certain people enjoy the physical act of love. FIU is not in the business of kink shaming.”
While this would normally be an ordinary story about exhibitionism on campus, PantherMEOW has found out through sources in University Health Services that Eleanor has been given wonderful news. Earl Ampersand, if you’re reading this, you’re going to have a yourself a future panther in just eight months! Congratulations! We’ve talked with President Rosenberg and he has graciously agreed to rename the Kissing Bridge the “Conception Bridge” in your honor. FIU student’s for generations will hear the story of how one warm night you and your girlfriend of two weeks created a life. Don’t worry, we already called your parents!
Update: As of one week after publishing this article, we have been unable to locate Earl Ampersand. If you have any information on his whereabouts please contact PantherMEOW so we can give the information to the expecting mother of his child.
