A warning has been placed for all FSU transfer students, as researchers from the Center for Disease Control have announced the discovery of a new sexually transmitted disease within one of the dorms at Florida State University. “Normally this place is like a gold mine for specimen samples”, said Florida CDC chief Miguel Jenkins, “I mean you got your gonorrhea or syphilis; but we were taken completely by surprise on this one.”
Researchers are still trying to find a scientific name for the disease, but as of now it’s commonly known in the dorms as “Chad’s Itch”; named after the eponymous Chad Dworkin, a twenty year old communications major. Speaking to the patient zero of the outbreak, Chad had this to say, “It’s not that bad, the guys in the yellow suits said it’s kinda like stomach chlamydia, and I’ve had normal chlamydia so this should be easy. I’m really just hoping this gets me out my physics final”
Mr. Dworkin has apparently had dealings with the CDC before, with one researcher calling him the “human incubator”. The administration at FSU has been criticized for letting this public health hazard continue for so long, with some calling for the dormitories to be shut down or at the least quarantined for the foreseeable future. University President John Thrasher issued a statement stating that there have been numerous attempts to stem the tide of STD’s, with one attempt including the forced quarantine and sterilization of all students. Yet the problem started again the next semester, as if the campus itself drives students toward such behavior. University Health Services, founded in part to deal with similar circumstances, has stated that sexual education and providing free condoms has had little to no impact on the rate of STDs, in one instance the rate tripled over the course of a semester; due in part to foreign exchange student Pierre Auberjonois and his swarthy charm.
FIU students are advised to give any recent transfer students from FSU a wide berth. For the time being, all FSU dorms remain open and Chad Dworkin has been placed in protective quarantine in a remote location on the Isle of Guam until strong enough antibiotics are discovered to treat his condition.
