In a stunning development last week, one third of FIU’s Math Department was suddenly drafted into war. The Eastern European country of Kravkozia located on the Southern rim of Russia began a military conflict with the Republic of Schvka. The dispute, sources say, stems from a grassroots uprising protesting the results of the popular television show Schvka Idol.
Calculus professor Igor Turtullion was quoted as saying, “I much enjoy teach number, but when mother land call, Igor answer with gun.” His sentiment seems to synthesize the thoughts of most drafted into this conflict.
Students were baffled at the sudden loss of their professors so early into the semester. One student told us, “At first I hated my professor, I couldn’t understand anything he said, and he threatened me with violence when I came late that one time. But he kinda grew on me, like an angry grandpa.”
The professors initially faced resistance when they attempted to evacuate the Occupy FIU protesters from their space in front of GC in order to throw a rally before their departure. Local FIU policeman Elias Gonzalez said of the incident, “I honestly thought they were Occupy protesters at first, they all had their shirts off and were visibly hammered. But when they started singing their National Anthem and kept spitting at whoever was walking by, I knew something was different.”
“We show those hell babies what they missing!” Screamed Mooschef Krameov, who seemed to be their leader. “Send those soulless swine back to underworld!” said Mooschef as he thrust a vintage Mosin-Nagant rifle above his head.
Bacon reporters caught up to President Rosenberg to get his take on the uprising, “I seriously have no idea what the heck is going on, I come back from Winter Vacation and half my math department is drunk and whipping out automatic weapons.” He sped away angrily on a golf cart before our reporters could glean anything more from him.
Surprisingly this isn’t the first time a diaspora of this level has occurred. Back in 1998, much of the Women’s Studies department signed a blood pact and sailed off to an all lesbian island somewhere in the Pacific.
