Dear Dirk,
My girlfriend she wants to have a “serious talk”. I’m not sure what that means and I’m scared that she wants to break up with me. What should I do?
From Scared and Confused
Dear Scared and Confused,
I’m going to write this for the last time, if you’re going to ask me questions NO PSEUDONYMS. People not using their real names creeps me out, and if I don’t know who you are then I can’t list you on my resume as a patient I’ve cured. This site won’t last two winters, and I can’t have another gap in my job history. I already took two years off to climb Everest, and that was not a successful venture. I got as far Georgia and the rest is a blur in shades of bourbon and salvia. I woke up with no money and found out I was declared legally dead, which actually helped me defraud the government for a soldier’s pension. Funny thing was, the dead soldier’s senile mother found me and thought I was his ghost; she had a heart attack right on the spot, which for me meant a free house.
You would not believe the amount of cats this woman was storing in that house, and the conditions were filthy! My degree in pet psychology helped me counsel the cats, but there’s only so much you can do. I ended up training all the cats to smoke and presented them as a freak show for kids and their divorced dads to watch when they were forced to spend time together. Eventually I was discovered by the police to be doing what the judge described as “a surprising amount of illegal things done all at once” and pleaded insanity to all charges. Anyway, that’s how I ended up writing for The Bacon.
What was it you wanted? Oh right, your skanky girlfriend. Yeah, she is definitely going to break up with you. I say beat her to the punch and tell everyone she cheated on you. It’s your word against hers, right? If people start pressing the issue, have a friend pretend to be a private investigator you hired to find out if she was cheating on you. From there you just need some Photoshopped pictures, and you might even convince her that she was cheating on you.
Written with a hangover,
Dirk O’Dowel
