Students passing by the GC Piano Room early Thursday morning were startled by a sudden uproar. Witnesses say Juan-Daniel “JD” Perez, an undergraduate senior here at Florida International University, began screaming and banging on the piano and quickly left in a rage. According to students who frequent the GC Piano Room, JD can be found there during the hours of 12AM and 11:59PM playing the same three songs on the piano, every day. “His major must be Music Annoyance,” says Luke Camacho a witness at the GC Piano Room, “Because he plays the same three songs, all day – every day. But I’ve never seen him leave in the middle of a song before.” Visibly distressed, Luke added, “I’ve actually never seen him leave the piano at all, to be honest.”
Bacon reporters caught up with another witness who was purported to be the one who caused JD to suddenly leave. This witness wished to remain anonymous, so we will not print Manuel Gonzalez’s name to protect his identity. “He literally lived on that piano bench, man!” said Manuel, adding a look of disgust, “When he started the FIU Alma Matter again, I couldn’t take it. It was the twentieth time he’d played it in that hour alone!” Manuel explained how he began to hurl insults at JD in hopes of getting him to stop playing, and when hurling words didn’t work he moved on to textbooks.
“That’s when it happened,” Manuel told us, “He started to play a song we never had heard from him before.” Oh, wait, Manuel wanted to remain anonymous, just forget that we mentioned his name – Okay? Anyway, the witness went on to explain that JD switched gears and began to play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star with such dissonance that everyone’s ears began to bleed. JD then began to convulse and scream as he jumped to his feet with clearly emaciated legs. It was the first time he stood up from the GC piano bench in his four years at Florida International University. He was described as wild-eyed and wobbling awkwardly as he ran out of the GC Piano Room.
Bacon reporters have learned that JD was later found aimlessly wandering around campus and was taken to Larkin Hospital. He is now in stable condition, being treated in the psychiatric ward. We’ve been told he is on a thorazine drip while he constantly pantomimes playing the piano all day. “He won’t be able to live a normal life,” said Larkin’s head psychiatrist Mark Jensen, “No, I’m afraid that those four years on the piano at FIU have done permanent damage to his mind.”
FIU officials have begun an initiative to install a “Player Piano” that will play one of JD’s tunes on the hour, every hour in his honor.
