What would seem to be a joy to most students, going to school with dozens of people you know, is turning out to be a nightmare for one student in particular. Jason Murray, a Sophomore at FIU has taken to wearing a brown paper bag over his head to avoid being seen by those who would consider him an old friend.
“I just can’t take this anymore,” said Jason, “Half my high school went here and a bunch of random people I went to elementary with, I can’t go fifteen feet before seeing someone I know. This is unlivable.”
Jason can be seen wandering the campus with his large, brown paper bag over his head. “Before the bag, I would normally just walk the long way to class if I knew I would see someone, either that or I would pretend to text. One time I dived into the turtle pond to avoid an ex from high school. The turtles tried to drown me. That was the last straw.”
While it seems like an unorthodox strategy, the paper bag has been surprisingly effective, according to Jason, “No one even looks in my direction anymore, it’s great!”
FIU Sociology Professor Leeroy Stefonowtiz had this to say about Jason’s unusual behavior, “Typically the number one problem in a University setting is loneliness. Suicide rates in colleges are astoundingly high, and we typically try to encourage interaction. However with FIU, about 45% of the college-aged population of Miami is in attendance here. It doesn’t matter if you only had three friends your whole life, odds are one of them is here.”
There are pitfalls to Jason’s behavior that he claims were somewhat unexpected, “The two holes in the bag don’t give me a lot of peripheral vision – I almost walked off the roof of the Red Parking Garage yesterday. Also, a group of Philosophy freshman started following me and calling me ‘Leader.’ And the Pollo Tropical people refuse me service. That one doesn’t make much sense, though.”
Our reporters thought the novelty of this peculiar problem warranted an interview with President Rosenberg. He had this to say, “Well that certainly is an odd solution to that problem, heaven knows there’s people I need to avoid.” Rosenberg stopped suddenly, “Oh no. It’s that chick from the Christmas party. Stay cool, follow me, I know some secret tunnels the Coke cartel use – she won’t even see us.”
