After two years of extensive research, the independent research organization Education America came to the disappointing conclusion that most Miami-Dade College transfer students currently taking classes at FIU are totally and completely illiterate.
The study took into account over 1,500 students over the course of four semesters. Each student’s progress was tracked and now the final results are being gathered to be published. The study reveals the shocking gap in ability between Miami-Dade College transfer students and the rest of the student population at FIU.
While the average GPA of an FIU student after their sophomore year is a 3.1, many MDC students fared far worse. The average GPA of an MDC transfer student after their sophomore year is 1.7. Many of the transfer students didn’t even make it past their freshman semesters. Interviews were conducted with many of the students in the study, and a majority of the quotes collected are quite telling.
“Back at Dade we didn’t really do a lot of reading or writing. For my history final we drew a picture of our favorite president. I chose Ben Franklin cause he invented electricity,” said Natasha Gibbons. Many of the quotes collected for the study border on disturbing.
Assistant Professor Barky Henderson (pictured above) is one of many MDC professors shown to be giving high grades to unlearned students.
A student, whose name was not disclosed, was quoted, “Our College Algebra course was taught by a golden retriever named Barky. He barked a lot. I sure miss Barky, he was really smart. He gave me a B+.” The study reveals this type of disastrous behavior to be the norm at MDC, where there seems to be no real order to anything.
“After fighting with the Troll People that work in most of the offices, I got my very own diploma. I hung it up in the bathroom so everyone could see when they went to my house,” spoke Samuel Taylor. “I only went to school for two weeks, but if you’re smart enough to solve the Troll People’s riddles you get your degree early. I’m gonna apply to FIU as soon as I get the interwebs into my TV.”
Professors were often baffled at the shocking ignorance that many of MDC’s students presented. “I had one student who ate the test I gave him. He said that at Dade there was a rule: if you are the first one to eat, digest, and…um, expel your test, you receive at least a C. I mean, seriously, that is ridiculous.” This from FIU economics professor Nathan Wilson.
At the conclusion of Education America’s study it was determined that a shocking 98.7% of MDC students walking among us at FIU lack the basic ability to read or write the English language, or any language for that matter. Even more shocking is that some of these very same students may even be employed by FIU.
Our reporters tried to get a quote from President Rosenberg regarding this study, but when they arrived at his office they were told by the desk clerk that the President was busy. The desk clerk then lifted a copy of the Beacon up to his face and pretended to read. Unfortunately, the copy of the Beacon he was holding was upside down.
