Our investigative reporting wing has been hearing rumblings of a secretive underground trading ring of illicit FIU disallowed contraband. The ring has allegedly been around for about a year and half with potentially thousands of buyers. The contraband in question: Coca-Cola.
Since FIU became an all Pepsi campus some years ago, resentment among those faithful to Coca-Cola has steadily risen. “I usually feed Pepsi to my dog, or force my kids to drink it when they misbehave,” said Kenneth Anderson, Professor of Literature at FIU. “When I think of Pepsi, I usually think of dirty prisons, or sort of a blur of all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Just mainly bad stuff.”
This distaste with the current beverage regime has been the catalyst for what seems to be a sprawling empire of underground trade. “The main trade spots are that useless nature preserve and the mysterious 7th floor of the library,” claims one of the Coke traffickers who wishes to remain anonymous. “The transactions are quick, we give them the stuff and they give us the cash, deals usually are done within seconds.”
“We typically pour the Coke into a Pepsi bottle or something like that, just to camouflage it. You’d be surprised how many students walking around campus are really drinking Coke.”
The extent of this trading network is yet to be determined. Our reporters have been scouring the campus for clues and sources. To date, we’ve discovered what seems to be a tunnel from the field next to the Stadium that leads into the Frost Art Museum across from the Blue and Gold parking Garages. “That seems about right,” said our source, “We put it there because we’ve never actually seen anybody go into the museum, it seemed like a good idea.” We can only speculate as to how many tunnels or other networks are being utilized by the Coke cartel.
Our reporters caught up with the leader of the Occupy FIU protesters, Cameron Loggins, who purportedly supports the efforts of this Coke cartel. He had this to say, “Pepsi donates money to corporations that routinely dump lava on children in Malaysia so they can have more money to spend on diamonds mined by bald, toothless toddlers in Africa.” He went on to say, “I’m sure Coke does bad stuff too, but it tastes so much better, so I don’t really care. Also, have you seen my Hacky Sack anywhere?”
We caught up with Economics Professor, Don Emerates, who had this to say about the underground ring, “I’ve been involved with them since the beginning, I’ve been doing runs since the 80’s.” When we informed him that the ring started roughly a year and half ago, he pointed to the ceiling and screamed, “Bird!”, then he jumped out his second floor office’s window.
